authenticity and purpose... and a long overdue reflection

January 1, 2017

I am in no way pretending that by writing this one post, I will somehow resurrect my blogging habits. However, as a journaler, I have thoughts stomping around my head today that I desire to capture and record.  So, after lying dormant for over 2 years, here we go... 

These past 17 months have been marked with much change, many goodbyes, new beginnings, discomfort, growth, and an increasing sense of God's provident hand upon our lives. We have said "yes" when we didn't know exactly what we were accepting. I have also learned that "no" is an appropriate answer, when everything in me is used to the opposite. We have grown closer as a family, as we packed up our house (TWICE) to head to a new neighborhood, school, church, job, and friend circle. We have had tearful days and nights, wondering what we were doing here, why we left our home and village just 27 distant miles away (separated by the 405 freeway and loads of LA traffic). 

We have also had a sweet and simple reset to our family priorities, schedule and
commitments. I have seen our children grow, through heartache and challenge. We have come to love things we used to take for granted. I have had my fair share of anxiety, pain and loneliness, and can now say that I wouldn't trade the personal growth that came out of those moments. Isn't that always the case? That when we find ourselves stumbling through a valley, we often are begging for it to end... however, on the other side, when God has completed a little more of His sanctifying work in us, we can look back with gratitude for the things of which we had to let go. While this past year was beautiful and full, with vibrant growth, the pain is still very real.  It still hits me in waves, sometimes when I least expect it. I taste the disappointments and the frustrations as we mourn what we thought we would have. We had expectations that will never be met. And the beauty from ashes part of this story is that I trust God in bigger and deeper ways.  I have allowed Him to address imbalances in my life, to touch on broken places and set them straight, to apply pressure to wounds that are deep and buried. And I am thankful that He knows just what I am capable of handling. In all things. 


When we moved here, the word "authenticity" was spoken to my heart. I entered a new circle, one that was ready to accept us with open arms. One of the very best moments since moving here was spoken by one of the girls during our first week of school "Mom, it sort of feels like people were waiting for us to get here." The rarity of this gift is not lost on me. However, I have had to continually make the decision to let down my guard, be true to who I am, even when I feel out of place or different.  I recognize that I model this to my children, and it makes me that much more vigilant to do it well. I have stumbled through moments of regret and awkwardness as I walk out new relationships. It still feels precarious at times. But the inner confidence which has come as a result is a blessing I would not forego. I continue to make the choice to be who I was created to be, to be true to my roots and to not lose sight of what has always been most important to my soul. 

Working full-time, with 4 children under my roof, I struggle to find "me" time.  But this week, I set aside time to complete a nurturing time of reflection (inspired by my soul sister Suzie Lind - follow that link to find your own inspiration).  It was truly good for the soul.  I am choosing to set my sights forward, and as I prayed for my own "word" for 2017 - purpose came to mind.  Dave helped me define it a little more accurately with intentionality. In this full life and season, the days can blur together. Weeks become months and I find myself no longer walking in the gifts I've been given. For example, I am

missing the habit we used to have, in an open home, a table full of guests, our children being part of our sharing with younger couples and families. We had a list of people with whom we wanted to invite in, to share a meal or time with. Somehow, we have lost that practice. In the newness of this time, when adjustment has consumed us, we have neglected to walk in the things that give us life. So now, as I continue to walk out an authentic approach to life, I pray I do so with a more purposeful approach - to make space for that which matters most. And to learn to let go of that which doesn't.

And while I still walk in a very real amount of anxiety for the heartache and pain that is inevitably before us, I know that as I prayerfully commit my days and my family to the Lord, He will cover all the places and fill in the gaps as they come. I am trusting His Word to be true, that He will continue to sanctify me, one small moment at a time. In the end, that is all that matters.  To live this life well, fully, and honoring to Him.

Until next time.... 
XO

my prayers for the coming school year

Summer is almost over (still a few more days left in our house!) - and it has been a good one.  Days full of family and friends, amazing trips, catching up on house projects, lazy days at the beach. As much as I crave the nothingness of summer days when June arrives, by the end of August, I look forward to the schedules and predictability of the new school year.  

I don't seem to find much time in front of the computer in the summertime, but I do manage to find the time to blog occasionally for our church's women's blog. The topic in August was the upcoming school year.  I chose to share my prayers for the year that is unfolding before us.  I wanted to share them here as well.  

As I watch the days of summer fly by, realizing that the next school year will soon be upon us, I have been prompted to pray earnestly for the coming school year.  With my oldest entering middle school, I sense the urgency more than ever, to call upon the Lord to guide us and equip us.  My prayers have gone something like this:

Lord, thank you for the privilege of learning. 
Thank you for the community of Hickory Elementary, where we have made wonderful friends. 
Thank you for the new community of Madrona Middle School, and that you have gone before us to prepare the way. 
Give us your eyes to see our teachers and classmates as you do. 
Give the girls wisdom, as they choose friends and invest in those around them. 
Thank you for the friends we have that encourage faith, and I pray that the new friends this year would be positive influences. 
I pray for the teachers to whom my children will be entrusted – give them eyes to see my girls and to bring out the best in them.

Help us all, Lord, to bring glory to you on these campuses. 
Protect us from any plans of the enemy that would bring harm or division. 
Help us be quick to love, and quick to extend grace – while being slow to judge and slow to speak. 
I pray you would ignite new sparks of learning – that the girls would enjoy the process of growth and learning, and blossom as students. 
Help me speak to them in life-giving ways, to encourage their strengths and work with them on the challenges they face. 
Show me how to encourage individuality and strength in the girls. 
Give me patience as our schedules build, and homework consumes our afternoons.  
Help me to model to them an appreciation for learning, as well as the adults in their lives that work so hard to teach them.

I pray for protection over their eyes and ears. 
Guard their hearts with your spirit. 
Let them be the salt and light that is so desperately needed at their schools. 
Use our family to bring others comfort, joy, peace, and salvation through you alone. 
Let us not minimize the responsibility we have there, at the public schools, to model Christ in all things. 
Let our interactions point to you. 
Let us not blend in, but rather stand firm for who we are in You. 
Give each of the girls strength, peace and clarity as they navigate being in the world and not of it.

Help us to always remember that you have called us here, that you go before us, and that you never forsake us. 
I pray that when we look back on this year, we will see your fingerprints on the relationships we’ve built. 

And I pray, above all else, that we bring glory and honor to your name – in word, deed, and intention. 
Bless us this year, so that we in turn, may bless those around us.

In Jesus’ Name… Amen.

Fearless

It's June... hopefully the last month in a series of months of absolute craziness around here.  My lonely little blog sits here neglected, but since I have someone prompting me to write for our church blog, that's getting all the love. 

Here is my entry from today... on being fearless.

Whatever is pure...

Wrote for our church blog this morning…. since I can't seem to get around to writing on here, I thought I'd share the link.  :)  Read it here.

Be joyful always... really, always??

I have found myself in one of those seasons where it feels like I am being beaten down on every side.  In all fairness, they are things that are quite small in the grand scheme of life (multiple simultaneously broken appliances, puking dog, coughs and colds in the house).   The real kicker came this week, when I was in a (relatively) minor car accident.  I am at fault.  That makes it worse.  Not to mention the fact that my car was smoking and pouring out a rainbow of fluids.  Needless to say, it was towed away from the scene.  I was going about 5 mph, maybe 10, but just seemed to hit the car in front of me just right to do all sorts of damage to my family mobile, and very little damage to her tough Ford pickup.  I surprised myself with how completely I unraveled.  I tend to think of myself as pretty capable, MOST days.  Well, not on Wednesday.  Upon exiting my (smoking) car, one glance at the crunched-up hood had me in tears, on and off for hours.  No joke.  It was terrible. 

So, here is the thing… I used to be a victim.  When growing up, I tended to be a half-glass-full kind of girl.  I would allow these seasons to weigh HEAVILY on me. But, as I wrestled with putting things into perspective, it wasn't quite so hard to see God's hand in it all.  First of all, I was driving alone (doesn't happen often for me!), no kids to worry about or care for.  The other car was much tougher than mine and suffered minimal damage.  I walked away from the accident with nothing bruised or broken (except my ego, perhaps).  I called on my village and they showed up BIG TIME – picking up kids for me, bringing us dinner, so I had one less thing to deal with, etc.  I have a mechanic I trust who is helping me navigate the unfamiliar "collision" side of things.  Our insurance is the best, and reserved a rental for me that was ready and waiting when I pulled up.  At the end of the day, everyone was home, and while I was still a bit shaken, we were safe. 

There were sweet little moments even – of God's kindness to me – little details that spoke to my heart, in a very personal and meaningful way. They served to simply remind me that, for whatever reason this is unfolding, but I have a big God who is so close to me. I am not facing anything in life alone.  Big or small.  He is with me, covering me, hearing me, and seeing me. 

Gratitude, like many other things in life, is like a muscle. It needs to be practiced. We are supposed to be diligently exercising the gift that it is to seek out that which we can be grateful for.  In all circumstances.  And today, while I may be a little sore, I am also blessed by the fact that the list of things for which I should be thankful just keeps growing.


Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

long-term parenting

I am so thankful for small glimpses of clarity in the nitty-gritty of this season.  I've heard these years referred to as "the tired years." Isn't that the truth?  Perhaps these small moments of clarity mean a lot to me, because I too often exist in a fog of lists, to-dos, and a never-ending requests. Last week I made lists of lists.  Literally. All that to say, it recently hit me:  I am working this hard to raise loving, caring, responsible, God-fearing ADULTS, and not perfectly behaved robots, er... I mean children.  Sometimes I can get caught up on the bad behaviors, the repeated offenses, and minimize the fact that the more important part of my role is to shepherd their hearts.  Not to say that we don't need to address and discipline bad behaviors - that part actually comes easily to me.  They need to learn the concept of consequences.  That is a life skill, and will evolve into becoming those above-mentioned adults. 

I strive to be a mom that is not embarrassed by their bad choices, but instead is open to the opportunity to address the deeper issues.  I have found myself really loving the "aftermath" of discipline - the time when I deliberately clear the room of other people, and take the time to connect with them.  There is a vulnerability that is very precious, and sometimes hard to find in the daily routine.  I share my heart, my past (or present) mistakes, how I can relate to their wrong decision.  We try to always pray together, asking for help to do what we know we should.  (Romans 7:15)

I don't excuse bad choices.  I don't tolerate tantrums or manipulation.  Those things are dangerous and I believe plant deep seeds of entitlement and dishonesty.   I have high expectations of my kids, and I am a firm believer that they will rise to those expectations.  I'm afraid that when the bar is set too low, the reverse happens.   I also recognize the fact that in those high expectations, there must be room for grace abounding, and the acceptance that we all fail and sin.  I realize that there are challenges to a high bar-setting.  I don't want to raise performance-driven affirmation mongers. I need to balance that with daily encouragement and affection.

me and my boy, time flies...

There is also the challenge of choosing not to allow what other families might - and my response is  "This is what works for our family, and we do not make choices for others."  I must be willing to be thought of as mean, or strict, or unreasonable.  At the end of the day - I am responsible for who I help shape them to be.  Dave and I are on our knees regularly, asking for guidance and insight into each of their complicated little hearts.  I cannot do this without God's help, nor do I want to.  

I like the mom that I am.  I really do.  And that is hard for me to say.  (see previous post regarding how hard I am on myself).  But I love my role as a mom, just as much as I always thought I would.  It is 1000 times harder - nothing can prepare you for this journey.  Nothing.  But, I love it and while CHILDHOOD is short, MOTHERHOOD is forever.  

Isn't that the best??

on being a martha...

In the midst of the end-of-the-school year (yes, my kids are still in school!) chaos, I have found that there is somehow a little space in my brain to contemplate my role as a "Martha."  After an amazing series at church on spiritual gifts, and many contemplative conversations ensuing from these sermons, I feel like I may have just gotten a little more comfortable in my own skin. That is a deep desire of my heart - a longing to embrace my giftings and the parts of me that make me ME.   I want to love how He created me, and not think that I somehow would do it differently/better/otherwise.

Back to Martha... she totally gets a bad rap.  We need Marthas - they keep things moving.  As my wise husband pointed out, the trouble with Martha was not that she was a doer, but that she was so concerned about what other people were doing, or rather NOT doing.  I was wired to be busy, to get things done, to organize, administrate, and problem-solve.  I don't rest well. I don't sit idle well.  I don't know how to be bored.  (I definitely don't remember the last time I was bored - though I could blame that on a certain 4 little people.)  Regardless, as I continue to grow into who I am, I find myself sometimes feeling bad because I often don't feel like I have the "right" thing to say.  However, I am very comfortable in finding the right thing to DO.  And I am realizing that this is a gift.  Thoughtfulness in me looks differently than it does in other people.  My care and empathy may have a different skin than the merciful saint walking next to me. And perhaps that is by divine design.

These past couple of weeks have allowed me some sweet opportunities to serve people - whether they are in seasons of rest, mess, or healing.  I can offer my gifts of making order out of chaos, or bringing beauty into the mundane.  But because I am so harshly critical of myself, I can feel guilty for the things that I cannot do - the words of comfort that don't come easily to me, or even the feelings of empathy that I sometimes feel like I lack.  I can pray, and I can do.  And I am processing through the feelings that it can be a good thing to be built this way.  I will continue to ask for God's heart for people to shape my own.  I want to love like He does, and like He calls me to.  In chewing on this, I want to tear down the box I build around what "caring" looks like. As I try to teach my children, I must do all things as unto the Lord. I have a set of gifts and talents that I can offer to those around me, and I need to value that which makes me unique.  

Photo by Mikala Carver

auto-focus; conditioning my mind

If only it were that easy... to set my mind to auto-focus.  Time and time again recently, I have been struck by the concept that if I would just zoom out a bit, take a look at things from a broader perspective - how much simpler it all suddenly seems.  Whether it is a momentary struggle, a tough relationship dynamic, a current season with a kiddo, a mindset I am stuck in, or any other number of things... I find myself constantly determined to zoom out and view it from a broader perspective.  It is so easy to get stuck in the emotions and the feelings of right now.  And then I remember that all of this will fade.  It will change and morph and feel differently in a moment's time.  

I look back on the things that have happened in life - however challenging or amazing they might have been.  I find myself acutely aware of how differently I feel now, simply with the passing of time.  And how much more so will that be the case when I see things from eternity.  Oh, the battles I can avoid, the angst I can forgo.  Not to mention, the joy in which I can walk - despite my circumstances or my mood. I don't want to learn this then.  I want to learn it now.  I want to model it for my children and my friends.  I want to care about what matters most, the things that do not change with the setting sun.  We can waste so much time and energy on the fleeting. If we simply let them "play out," I believe we would find peace in new ways.  

As always, God's word says it best:
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. (1 Corinthians 13:12) 

Source: "Through the Lens" picture by deranged-mongoose aka Megan at Deviantart

I feel like right now I am in a little bit of smooth sailing - no major "issues" at hand (thank God!), but I have such a strong sense that God is teaching me something, and there is no better time to learn it than when He is instructing!  My heart is inclined to allow Him to give me His perspective and a taste of what His purpose might be.  The lesson I learned several years ago (through this amazing book), is how much gratitude plays a role in our acceptance of what is at hand.  I am still learning to walk this out, putting it into practice and reminding myself in the dull and frustrating moments to find something for which I am thankful. It really does shift my view of my circumstances.  

Lord, let me see things a little more like you do.  Let me see my life, the tasks at hand, the mundane, the epic, and everything in between, through Your eyes.  When I experience the things that crush, consume, overshadow, and darken life - let me hold fast to the light that is in believing you for more than my eyes can see.  Let me love like you do, and remember your faithfulness throughout eternity.  I want to fix my eyes on the unseen and trust you to work out the seen.

tough and tender

While doing a little household "upkeep" today, I suddenly was struck by the name of my favorite countertop cleaner - Tough and Tender.  It hit me - THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO BE AS A MOM.  The tough - that which adds a standard of behavior, expectation, and holiness for how we all behave.  The tender - that which would break in me when these little ones hurt, need or are simply in want of a loving touch.  I know it is easier for me to err on the tough side... but God is working in me lately to recognize my lack of empathy and my need for grace that comes only through Him.  I want to be someone that is a living testimony for being kind-hearted and loving.  Especially to these 4 in my care.
I was talking to a friend today and reminding myself to continually ask the question: "at the end of my days, what will I look back on and wish I had done more of?"  Will it be extending a tender touch to my kids (while they still let me!), or being a task-master?  Will it be worrying about a *few extra* pounds here and there, or the memory of taking my kids out for an after school treat?  Will it be keeping a clean house, or setting a tone of playfulness?  Will it be stopping dinner to have a meaningful conversation about 4th grade angst, or making sure that dinner is served at the expected time?  
I have mentioned her before, and I'm sure I will again - sometimes I stop and try to look at life through my 82-year old neighbor.  She is never too busy for us.  I said this morning, "I wonder if she ever looks back and thinks about the silly ways she worried about the temporary instead of enjoying life in the moment?"  I want to live and walk full of joy for what I am given today.  This week, our nation had a strong reminder of how fleeting life can be.  I want to make the most of all my days - even the mundane ones of potty training and chores.  
There is a place of balance that I yearn for, the reality is that often times the moment we find balance, the variables shift and we can seem to be scrambling to get it all settled again.  And that is ok.  That is my life of chaos - the beautiful mess of our home.  I want to make messes, surrounded in laughter.  I want to give my kids good memories of a spontaneous mom who said YES (sometimes!) to the after school pleas for slurpees and yogurtland.  And I want to do it all in the context of who I was created to be - someone who thrives in order and planning, who loves to see what is coming and tackle it as early as possible.  I was designed by my Creator to be this way - and I embrace it.  I also realize that in the quest for a  balanced and simplified life, I need to let loose sometimes - go to bed with a messy house, leave the laundry for tomorrow, and enjoy this season.  Before I know it, it will be gone.

the education choice

Dave and I were recently invited to speak on a panel to discuss our choices for educating our children. We represented both the public school community (go Hickory Hounds!) and the private school (Dave is Elementary School Head at Calvary Christian).  Through that, and then an online conversation with a friend today, I have been able to articulate my heart and passion for walking this path that has been laid out before us.  I wanted to record some of my thoughts here, and hopefully in the meantime encourage others as well.  It is a wonderful and freeing thing to know where you are called, and to grab hold of that with both hands.

I have heard enough (direct and indirect) comments over the years to know that our choice for public school does not sit well with everyone. And that is ok. Our decision to go this route was partially practical (since I worked full-time up until last year), but also Spirit-led. I am thankful that there has been such sweet confirmation over these years that this is where God has us. I have countless stories and interactions stored up that have built in us such a confidence and surety that this is where we are supposed to be. We see the fruit of it and we know God has directed us here for the time being, and I believe we are making a difference where we are. Our impact on the school and community has shaped and strengthened our faith and confidence. We really do love our school. 

We have had our share of challenges. There have been things spoken to and around our kids that I was not ready for. Yet God has settled my heart and taught me that so much of it is about how we as parents respond and exemplify love to these broken families in our community. (It should go without being said - our daughters' safety and well-being is primary, and we do what we need to in order to cover and protect them). We are watching them (and their hearts for others) grow incredibly because we are showing them that we care for the "naughty potty-mouth" (for example) boy that might sit next to them. We are committed to take whatever steps are necessary to prevent further issues, but more importantly, our kids are watching us try to love the unlovely. Oh, what a gift that is to them. And as God gets a hold of their little hearts, they are growing in their understanding of how to be light in darkness. That is a big burden for them to carry, but they are not doing it alone. They are "on mission" - just like we are. And I have seen them come home with a twinkle in their eye because they told someone about Jesus, or reached out to a lonely classmate, or heard about someone else who is a Christian, or told someone we've been praying for them. These are things I could not spoon-feed them - these are the effects of living life as our family is called. It excites me to see God at work in my girls. And when we do have to address difficult things that come up, He is teaching me to push deeply into Him, so that I do not sin in my reactions. 

Even today, I awaited an after school report from my eldest on her attempt to make amends with a girl with whom she's had some problems this year - just normal 4th grade stuff, but we asked her to take the high road and reach out to attempt to make things right (even though, in my mama-bear fleshly opinion, the apology should be initiated from the other side!). But her heart was willing to be humbled and tender towards someone who has been unkind to her on numerous occasions, and it was well-received. Her willingness to apologize is better than I can say for myself on most days!
 
Our deepest desire is that our children grow up so deeply rooted in Christ that they cannot help but bring Him with them wherever they go. I can only pray that they will thrive in the public school system - that is truly our heart's cry - and time will tell. We take each year as its own - trying not to assume, but rather to allow God the freedom to change our course, knowing He will lead us and help us be willing to obey. 

Dave and I have a deep conviction that strong Christian families are a necessary part of the public education system. Every morning we pray on the way to school - and one of the regular prayers is that my girls would remember Jesus is with them, and that they would act in ways that both honor and please Him. There are kids who live around the corner, down the street, etc that need a dose of Christ-like love. There are families with which we would never otherwise have contact. There are broken and dying people who need a glimpse of a big and loving God, and if He would allow our family to play a small role in that introduction, than I humbly accept that call.
 
There are plenty of things that I hear about public school that can cause me to want to worry, but I am resolute that I will not let fear guide me (2 Timothy 1:7). I want God to guide our family, and use us to represent the kind of love that we can only find in a perfect and kind God.  And when we fail, we will get back up and continue to try to honor Him in how we love others.  I love that God did not use a cookie cutter with any of us - that what I am called to may not be what others are called to. And sadly, we will experience judgment and hurtful words until we can all embrace these differences, and support one another in being who and where God has called us to be. We have wonderful friends for whom we have a lot of respect that have taken different educational (private, homeschool) routes, and we applaud their obedience and the dedication they have to live where they are called. Because in the end, that is all that really matters.  To please Him and Him alone.  
(now, if only I can remember that in my weak and insecure moments!!)